Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;  you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

 

In my current reading I was challenged to write a psalm to God telling Him why I am in awe of the way I was made.

 

My psalm:

I am grateful that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I appreciate the fact that I was made one of a kind. I'm amazed by how intricate I am and all that a women's body is made to endure. The gift of being able to grow and birth babies is priceless. My greatest treasures were started in my womb. I was able to feel them grow, move, and hiccup. I am a flawless masterpiece! After 32 years I have some added character, but I wear each marking with pride. This is who I am and who I was created to be.

 

By no means am I my best self in my current state. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't be invested in a book titled "Comfortable in Your Own Skin". The focus is a healthy body image. My weight is my greatest insecurity and has been for many, many years. It fluctuates an uncomfortable 30-50 lbs. In this season I'm at the largest I've ever been, not my favorite.

 

As I work through this book and reflect, I wonder why my weight. Why is my weight my greatest insecurity? Not much else about my image bothers me.

 

Real talk. My stomach is far from perfect. I have a 1/4 inch scar that runs from my belly button to my pubic bone. It doesn't bother me. When I was 17 I had to have exploratory surgery because my appendix had ruptured. My appendix happened to be located in the wrong place and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. When I started slipping in and out of consciousness they decided they need to open me up and figure out what was going on. Since the appendix had ruptured and filled my stomach cavity with poison, the only option was to leave the incision open to drain. After being an open wound for several days the skin certainly did not come together seamlessly afterwards. The scar is not an insecurity, more like a "war wound". It is a part of my story, my testimony.

 

My stomach has also been graced with stretch marks. Marks I earned carrying each one of my three treasures. I embrace them!

 

My once perky breast are no more. After nursing three babies, I guess I can't really expect much else. Thank goodness for amazing bras that work miracles! I was just talking to a girlfriend about not having to wear a bra under my wedding dress and they stayed right where they were supposed to all day. That was then, now the girls need as much support and lift as they can get. So what?! My husband is the only one who sees me without a bra. Unless, you are a lucky parent that catches me at the school during morning drop off on a day we are running late. No apologies.

 

So why, when my body is far from perfect in so many ways, is my greatest insecurity my weight? Guilt. Why? Not exercising enough? Careless/unhealthy eating? Laziness? Perhaps. More than likely a combination of all three. However, none of which are the root of the guilt. 

 

I gain insane amounts of weight during times of turmoil, conflict, depression, and stress. It is almost guaranteed if I have a stressful confrontation with someone I love I automatically gain five pounds. If I suppress things to avoid more confrontation, another five pounds. The vicious cycle begins. 

 

So where does guilt come in? My weight is a direct reflection of what I have tried to handle on my own, but instead should have handed over to my Father. The scale is a direct reflection of the burden of fear and worry that I try to carry in my own strength, instead of leaving them at the feet of the Lord. Why the heck am I standing on the scale panicked, when I should be on my knees praying?

 

I can lose the weight, it will be yet another journey. First, I need to get back on my path and walk with the Lord. When will I learn to stop trying to do things in my own power? When I learn that lesson, I bet my weight won't fluctuate like it has.     

 

I will respect and cherish this miraculous gift that has been fearfully and wonderfully made by my Creator.   

 

"Even if your body has been handicapped, it is still a miraculous testimony of God our Creator."

-Dr. Deborah Newman.



This is My America

Tonight as I ran, I was moved by the beauty and perfection of God's Country. I was engulfed by acres of green land, untouched by overindulgence or greed. It was a perfect run for Independence Day! I was able to reflect on what I really love about this Country. While sometimes I feel overwhelmed by politics and dislike some of the choices made by the Government (the people), I never want to call anywhere else home.

Earlier this week we took the kids to a Tops in Blue concert (for those not familiar, it is an entertainment group made up of the Air Force's most talented musicians, dancers, and vocalists. They travel the world entertaining the military members, their families, and the surrounding communities). They started the evening off with the presentation of the Colors and the National Anthem. It gets me every time! I'm overcome with emotion and my eyes swell with tears (most of you know I'm not a crier). Each year I feel I have an even deeper understanding of what those Colors represent.  I know the sacrifice my kids and every military family makes for that Flag and this Country. I know how many flags have been handed to mothers, fellow wives, and other family members because their loved one won't be coming home. I feel great pride as I watch my babies stand up and cover their hearts!

This year has been an emotional and meaningful 4th of July for me. I'm so incredibly blessed to have so many admirable men in my life who epitomize love of Country. After 30 years of service, my Dad has a deep love for his Country. More importantly he loves and respects the Airmen of yesterday and today. He shows a tremendous respect for the Flag that flies in front of his house. Every night he takes it down at dusk and carefully hangs it in his garage until he takes it back out the next morning. It is also one of the first things that comes down before a storm hits.

My husband has a love/hate relationship with his military career. Who wouldn't when it requires you to spend so much time away from your family? However, when duty calls he is one of the first to answer. Anytime there is an incident he is ready to go and quite honestly wants to be one of the first ones in. That includes anything from plane crashes to schools (i.e. sniper/survival...not so much a fan of textbooks, although he is suffering through to finish his BS:) His loyalty and leadership never fail to amaze me.

My brothers have both joined the Air Force this year. My youngest brother is currently in Tech School to be a firefighter and my other brother is a week into Basic Training. He will then go on to be an Airborne Linguist. I'm so proud of both of them! As a big sister you always want to protect your younger siblings (can't help it, it's nature). I've had a pit in my stomach since Beau left for Basic. I know this is where they are both meant to be, believe me it has been a LONG prayerful process. Still, I know it is the hardest nine weeks either of them will probably ever face. I also know many have gone before them and many will go after. Honestly, I've rationalized it all in my head, it is still hard as the big sister to not want to take care of that hardship for them.

I'm filled with pride and admiration when I think of the great men in my life!

Three miles gave me a lot of time to think. I sincerely love this Country! I believe in a better tomorrow and am thankful for all of our freedoms. This weekend a friend posted a status on Facebook that I found to be very moving, so I'll close with that:

"The American flag does not fly because the wind moves past it. The American flag flies from the last breath of each military member who has died protecting it. American soldiers don't fight because they hate what's in front of them...they fight because they love what's behind them."



Bringin' Sexy Back? Not today!

Since I last wrote, I celebrated my 30th birthday. Obviously this wasn't a surprise, I knew it was coming. It happens on the same day every year. No big deal, right?! Hmm...

I was talking to my son about his upcoming 6th birthday, he told me it was just a day. He wasn't going to grow taller or get bigger muscles just because it was his birthday. He's right, you don't gain a whole year in just that one day. It seems logical, however, on my birthday I felt like I gained a lot more than a year.

It has been a series of events which lead me to believe that thirty really is a milestone for maturing physically. I noticed recently my eyesight isn't as sharp as I'm used to. I have always been able to read street signs from a ridiculous distance, not so much anymore. I've never struggled with focusing or reading things from across the room. Lately I've noticed I squint a lot more. Unfortunately, my eyesight is still good enough for me to see my prepubescent breakouts have returned. Nice! I was also able to see wrinkles around my eyes in a close-up picture taken recently. Seriously?! Where did those lines come from?! One last thing I was able to see with my not-so-sharp eyesight, random black hairs on my face (disclaimer: not all at once, I haven't sprouted a beard yet). Sexy.

As I'm on the search for acne creams, anti-aging products, and a facial waxing kit I start to think about how unfair the whole process is. How many men are out shopping for these products? Why do they become 'distinguished'  with age? I find my husband rugged and sexy when he has facial hair. I'm guessing 'sexy' wouldn't be the first word to come to his mind if he ever noticed facial hair on me.

I never know when Jarod puts on ten or fifteen pounds, but I guarantee he knows if I have. If he can't see it, he will be sure to know when I can't find anything to wear. After trying to wiggle on every pair of jeans I own only give up and wear sweats with a hoodie. I'm not coming away from that ordeal in a good mood.

After this ridiculous pity party I threw for myself, I decided to work with what I have. I will keep up with my daily regimen of skin care, take preventative measures as necessary. I will diligently check for any unwanted facial hair. I will try to eat healthy and exercise. I will try to love me as I am today. I will love this season of my life!

So tonight I went running as part of my commitment to a healthier life. I love to run, especially while I'm at my folks place. Running helps keep me in good spirits and aides in my weight loss. Wouldn't you know it, my knees failed me tonight?! I've never in my life had issues with my knees or any other physical ailment that wouldn't allow me to run. I couldn't do it! I walked two miles hoping I could walk it off, but no such luck. Frustrating and discouraging. See ya 30s, I'm going back to my 20s!

Checklist Please

Preparing for the "good-bye" is a process. Military members are given checklists to guide them as they ready themselves and families for their departure. Immunizations. Check. Power of Attorney. Check. Update Will. Check. There are briefings, brochures, and trainings all designed to prepare members for the deployment.

How about a sanity checklist for spouses? One that says, "All of the following emotions are normal and expected". Feelings of desperation. Check. Sudden need to stop time. Check. Unexpected sobbing. Check. Meltdown for no apparent reason. Phew! That's fourth on the list. Thankfully there is only one of those, so that's done. If only it were that easy!

One of my "moments" with this deployment came when Jarod called to say he received his flight itinerary. "I leave on the 13th at 6:30am." In that moment this deployment became real. We had known he was leaving for months and he had already been to Guam for training. Still, that moment is when I came face-to-face with the reality of the deployment. Even though the date was later than we had hoped, it still felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Immediately I felt sick and tears were streaming down my face.

I stood in the laundry room trying to get it together before one of my kids came looking for me. I kept thinking to myself,  "just breath, just breath". First, anger and self pity. Immediately a list of every Unit member that hasn't deployed in the last three years ran through my head. My mind rationalizes, "It's their turn, it's not fair." For a brief second I hate the world for what it is today. I despise the war, because in that moment I'm not a patriotic citizen, I'm a wife of a deploying Airman.

Next, overwhelming sadness for the whole situation. Sadness for my kids who won't have their Dad for everyday things . Sadness for my husband who will miss out on significant moments. Sadness because I will go to bed alone night after night without "pillow talk".

Finally the recovery. My mind runs through a list of all the positives that come from deployments. All my coping mechanisms kick into gear. I don't believe the Air Force is ultimately responsible for where we are. The Man upstairs is the one handing out our assignments. If He has put me in this place then He will give me the Grace. I can do this!

You're Steppin on My Toes

This morning as I caught up with my Facebook friends, I came across a "note" that was titled "Frustrated" written by a friend I went to high school with. He now serves in the Army and recently came home from a year long deployment. Basically his note was chastising women (without naming anyone specific) for using their husbands absence for their own personal gain. Stating that he was tired seeing women use deployments to gain sympathy and attention for themselves. At the end of the note he went on to criticize those associated with the Air Force for having any ill-feelings or issues because their deployments are only six months at best.

At first I was angry at his words. I reacted removing him from my friends list. I've had a few hours to digest and reflect on what he wrote and my initial reaction. It was a knee-jerk reaction to remove him as a friend, he has his right to his opinion and he has the right to publish it, just as I do. Sad truth, I'm human and sometimes act before I think.  Why was I angry? It forced me to stop and consider my own intentions, especially with this blog. Am I writing for attention? Am I looking for sympathy? Why did I take it so personal? My conclusion, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone publishing my thoughts and feelings for other to see. I'm vulnerable, which means I'm going to take things personal....because THIS is personal. I have no idea if the "note" was intended for me, even if the egocentric thirteen year old inside me is convinced it was. I appreciate that it made me stop and self-assess. I'm writing for me. I'm writing to let those that I love see and understand a part of me that is rarely exposed.

As for his comments regarding my beloved Air Force, I have a great deal of respect for any member of the Armed Forces. I feel for the Army wives who live without their husbands for twelve to eighteen months at a time. The best way to explain it is to compare it to Americans and our friends from England. We speak a similar language and can understand each other for the most part. However, there are still cultural differences, we have different customs and courtesies. I joke about  the Air Force being superior but it's all in fun. Like school spirit, everyone thinks their branch is the best and sports their "pride gear". Lucky for us the Air force really is the best :)

Life's a Journey

This business of blogging is quite intimidating. It's essentially a diary, where you write your most personal thoughts and feelings. The difference being you publish it for others to see. How do you keep it unedited and raw? I've promised myself that if I'm going to do this, I'm all in. My goal is to keep it real.

My reasons for creating the blog is two-fold. First, I promised myself that on this deployment I wouldn't isolate myself. I tend to be a private person who does not let people into my "circle of trust" easily. I internalize everything and avoid emotion during a stressful deployment. Next thing I know I'm fifteen to twenty pounds heavier and angry at myself for it. On Jarod's last deployment to Bagram, I realized about two months into him being gone what I was doing. I didn't know how to stop it, so I began a forty day Daniel Fast in search of a vision, knowledge, peace, and to break generational strongholds.  I also hired a personal trainer and began running. I needed to gain my physical strength back as I was working on my mental strength. To be honest, losing some weight only helped the situation. This deployment I've decided to add blogging as an outlet. I'll let you know how it goes.

Second, I wanted to give others an inside look to what this life is all about. Deployments are a reality for my family, for any military family. Other people have a hard time fathoming a life where their significant other is gone 6-12 months at a time. I want to share the moments that don't make the news. Deployments are so much more than the send-offs and homecomings.

It has been hard for me to take the first step and commit to this process of writing and publishing my thoughts through the deployment. Jarod has been gone for almost a month and I'm just now ready to publish what I've been writing. For that reason, over the next week or so I'll have quite a few entries. And so begins this journey...