Checklist Please

Preparing for the "good-bye" is a process. Military members are given checklists to guide them as they ready themselves and families for their departure. Immunizations. Check. Power of Attorney. Check. Update Will. Check. There are briefings, brochures, and trainings all designed to prepare members for the deployment.

How about a sanity checklist for spouses? One that says, "All of the following emotions are normal and expected". Feelings of desperation. Check. Sudden need to stop time. Check. Unexpected sobbing. Check. Meltdown for no apparent reason. Phew! That's fourth on the list. Thankfully there is only one of those, so that's done. If only it were that easy!

One of my "moments" with this deployment came when Jarod called to say he received his flight itinerary. "I leave on the 13th at 6:30am." In that moment this deployment became real. We had known he was leaving for months and he had already been to Guam for training. Still, that moment is when I came face-to-face with the reality of the deployment. Even though the date was later than we had hoped, it still felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Immediately I felt sick and tears were streaming down my face.

I stood in the laundry room trying to get it together before one of my kids came looking for me. I kept thinking to myself,  "just breath, just breath". First, anger and self pity. Immediately a list of every Unit member that hasn't deployed in the last three years ran through my head. My mind rationalizes, "It's their turn, it's not fair." For a brief second I hate the world for what it is today. I despise the war, because in that moment I'm not a patriotic citizen, I'm a wife of a deploying Airman.

Next, overwhelming sadness for the whole situation. Sadness for my kids who won't have their Dad for everyday things . Sadness for my husband who will miss out on significant moments. Sadness because I will go to bed alone night after night without "pillow talk".

Finally the recovery. My mind runs through a list of all the positives that come from deployments. All my coping mechanisms kick into gear. I don't believe the Air Force is ultimately responsible for where we are. The Man upstairs is the one handing out our assignments. If He has put me in this place then He will give me the Grace. I can do this!

You're Steppin on My Toes

This morning as I caught up with my Facebook friends, I came across a "note" that was titled "Frustrated" written by a friend I went to high school with. He now serves in the Army and recently came home from a year long deployment. Basically his note was chastising women (without naming anyone specific) for using their husbands absence for their own personal gain. Stating that he was tired seeing women use deployments to gain sympathy and attention for themselves. At the end of the note he went on to criticize those associated with the Air Force for having any ill-feelings or issues because their deployments are only six months at best.

At first I was angry at his words. I reacted removing him from my friends list. I've had a few hours to digest and reflect on what he wrote and my initial reaction. It was a knee-jerk reaction to remove him as a friend, he has his right to his opinion and he has the right to publish it, just as I do. Sad truth, I'm human and sometimes act before I think.  Why was I angry? It forced me to stop and consider my own intentions, especially with this blog. Am I writing for attention? Am I looking for sympathy? Why did I take it so personal? My conclusion, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone publishing my thoughts and feelings for other to see. I'm vulnerable, which means I'm going to take things personal....because THIS is personal. I have no idea if the "note" was intended for me, even if the egocentric thirteen year old inside me is convinced it was. I appreciate that it made me stop and self-assess. I'm writing for me. I'm writing to let those that I love see and understand a part of me that is rarely exposed.

As for his comments regarding my beloved Air Force, I have a great deal of respect for any member of the Armed Forces. I feel for the Army wives who live without their husbands for twelve to eighteen months at a time. The best way to explain it is to compare it to Americans and our friends from England. We speak a similar language and can understand each other for the most part. However, there are still cultural differences, we have different customs and courtesies. I joke about  the Air Force being superior but it's all in fun. Like school spirit, everyone thinks their branch is the best and sports their "pride gear". Lucky for us the Air force really is the best :)

Life's a Journey

This business of blogging is quite intimidating. It's essentially a diary, where you write your most personal thoughts and feelings. The difference being you publish it for others to see. How do you keep it unedited and raw? I've promised myself that if I'm going to do this, I'm all in. My goal is to keep it real.

My reasons for creating the blog is two-fold. First, I promised myself that on this deployment I wouldn't isolate myself. I tend to be a private person who does not let people into my "circle of trust" easily. I internalize everything and avoid emotion during a stressful deployment. Next thing I know I'm fifteen to twenty pounds heavier and angry at myself for it. On Jarod's last deployment to Bagram, I realized about two months into him being gone what I was doing. I didn't know how to stop it, so I began a forty day Daniel Fast in search of a vision, knowledge, peace, and to break generational strongholds.  I also hired a personal trainer and began running. I needed to gain my physical strength back as I was working on my mental strength. To be honest, losing some weight only helped the situation. This deployment I've decided to add blogging as an outlet. I'll let you know how it goes.

Second, I wanted to give others an inside look to what this life is all about. Deployments are a reality for my family, for any military family. Other people have a hard time fathoming a life where their significant other is gone 6-12 months at a time. I want to share the moments that don't make the news. Deployments are so much more than the send-offs and homecomings.

It has been hard for me to take the first step and commit to this process of writing and publishing my thoughts through the deployment. Jarod has been gone for almost a month and I'm just now ready to publish what I've been writing. For that reason, over the next week or so I'll have quite a few entries. And so begins this journey...