Checklist Please

Preparing for the "good-bye" is a process. Military members are given checklists to guide them as they ready themselves and families for their departure. Immunizations. Check. Power of Attorney. Check. Update Will. Check. There are briefings, brochures, and trainings all designed to prepare members for the deployment.

How about a sanity checklist for spouses? One that says, "All of the following emotions are normal and expected". Feelings of desperation. Check. Sudden need to stop time. Check. Unexpected sobbing. Check. Meltdown for no apparent reason. Phew! That's fourth on the list. Thankfully there is only one of those, so that's done. If only it were that easy!

One of my "moments" with this deployment came when Jarod called to say he received his flight itinerary. "I leave on the 13th at 6:30am." In that moment this deployment became real. We had known he was leaving for months and he had already been to Guam for training. Still, that moment is when I came face-to-face with the reality of the deployment. Even though the date was later than we had hoped, it still felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Immediately I felt sick and tears were streaming down my face.

I stood in the laundry room trying to get it together before one of my kids came looking for me. I kept thinking to myself,  "just breath, just breath". First, anger and self pity. Immediately a list of every Unit member that hasn't deployed in the last three years ran through my head. My mind rationalizes, "It's their turn, it's not fair." For a brief second I hate the world for what it is today. I despise the war, because in that moment I'm not a patriotic citizen, I'm a wife of a deploying Airman.

Next, overwhelming sadness for the whole situation. Sadness for my kids who won't have their Dad for everyday things . Sadness for my husband who will miss out on significant moments. Sadness because I will go to bed alone night after night without "pillow talk".

Finally the recovery. My mind runs through a list of all the positives that come from deployments. All my coping mechanisms kick into gear. I don't believe the Air Force is ultimately responsible for where we are. The Man upstairs is the one handing out our assignments. If He has put me in this place then He will give me the Grace. I can do this!